Being a busy mom trying to juggle life, work, school, your health, and the raising of decent humans is already a TON of work. It’s no wonder that maintaining a fulfilling sex life can sometimes end up on the back burner. But having a good, healthy sex life with your partner is worth the extra time, effort and energy, and is a sure-fire way to keep those home fires burnin’. Which makes everyone happy.
No matter if you already have a fantastic sex life, or if your sex life is less than stellar, any relationship needs a little boost every so often. I am certainly not a sex (or relationship, or marriage) expert, but in my experience, doing just a few little things can really make a difference:
Focus on Grooming.
I have never felt less sexy than just after giving birth—I felt more like a milk machine than a sexy wife. But as a little time went on, it was super important to me and my self-confidence to get back to focusing on me as a WOMAN, not just a mom. Grooming was a big part of that for me. Putting on makeup, making an effort with my hair, instead of throwing my hair back in yet another ponytail, and shaving my legs really made a difference in how I felt. Try to get back into the mindset of when you were newly dating your significant other: take the time to “be ready” for love whenever the mood may strike. This means keeping your bikini line groomed, being freshly showered, using perfume, etc. Have an open conversation with your partner: what things can he do to up his grooming game? Ask him what things he would like you to do. And be ready and accepting of his answers.
It’s super easy to feel bad about your body after kids: the extra pounds, the stretch marks, saggy boobs, and cellulite can all make you feel non-sexy. But it’s important to remember that our husband doesn’t see us the way we see ourselves. We focus in on each imperfection, while he sees the whole package. He’s too busy being thrilled that a gorgeous, naked woman is about to sleep with him, to focus on your dimpled thighs. It’s true: guys tend to focus on the situation as a whole, rather than to focus on any specifics. So forget about your body and enjoy yourself and let him enjoy you, too. You are his wife, mother to his children, his goddess, his fantasy, his everything, so ACT LIKE IT. Enjoy knowing that you and only you can satisfy him sexually. It’s been said that it takes a real man to satisfy a woman for her whole life, and I think the opposite is true, too. Get out of your own head, and enjoy each other.
Make an Effort.
It’s easy to get lazy and let the monotony of life get the better of your sex life. Especially when kids are little, you really have to WORK to maintain sexual intimacy. This may mean that you have to arrange for a babysitter so that you can surprise your husband with a night alone. You may have to put kids to bed early and put your needs before theirs. You may have to vacation without your kids from time to time. You may need to have sex in your car (don’t get caught!). Think about your husband. Does he like lingerie? Would he be into role-playing? Is there a new place in your own house you can try having sex? Would using mirrors help? Sometimes it may be necessary and worthwhile to spend money making an effort in the name of your sex life. But by using your creativity, most of this can be totally free. This is another conversation that needs to be had with your partner- how can you show each other that your sex life is a priority and something that you both enjoy and cherish? Your efforts will be rewarded, in ways you can’t imagine.
Show your partner that sex isn’t just something you do for HIM. Make it about you! Sex is a means to be creative together, have fun, connect, and release stress. We ALL should be doing it more. Your brain is a powerful tool: think about what attracts you to him. Allow yourself to daydream about him, his body, the way he makes you feel, etc. Use your brain to your advantage. However, once sex actually starts, turn your brain off. It’s easy to let your mind wander, but you should consciously make a decision to be wholly present and in the moment with your partner. Be verbal about what you want. Take the lead in the bedroom. Use technology to your advantage: send a sexy message (responsibly) to let him know that you are thinking of him. Whatever it takes, make the choice to initiate on a regular basis.
Create a “Sexual Bucket List.”
This can be super fun to do on your own, but is best done with your spouse. It gets you talking about sex, forces you to get excited about your sex life, and be creative. You may even learn some new things about your mate: who knew he’s always wanted to join the mile high club? Items on the list should be things you are both comfortable exploring, but is out of the ordinary, and may even require some planning. Have sex in the rain outside, or on a secluded beach, or in a public bathroom. (Disclaimer: don’t do anything illegal or unsafe or anything that makes you uncomfortable.) Creating a mental “scrapbook” of sexual memories with your spouse is an awesome way to feel closer and more sexually inclined for the long haul. Be adventurous and have FUN!